I kissed a girl and I liked it.

[deadlock_diva]

(( PSL for realitybendstomywill ))


[ Ashe steps out onto the front porch of her small county house, taking in a deep breath of the warm, desert air. It feels so good to be free from the shackles of her illness. After two and a half weeks of pain, misery and recuperating, she wanted to go out and do something that wasn’t lying in bed or being limited to the rooms in her house. Symmetra was leaving within the next day or two and she also felt the need to express her gratitude.

Because… yanno. Ashe wasn’t a pleasant person when she was sick and she knew that all too well. Not that they hadn’t reached an understanding and gotten through that initial unpleasantness, but still.

The day before, she’d suggested that they go into town in the evening for a girl’s night out. Ashe never really had a lot of girl friends in the past and had silently always wondered what it’d be like. She assumed it was a lot different than the loud and rowdy times she had with her boys; which was fine and dandy enough, but sometimes? Getting dressed up just for the sake of it (and maybe for the sake of turning a few heads) sounded like a much better time to her. A different thrill from the bar fights, gambling and alcohol induced shenanigans.

Waiting for the other woman to finish getting ready, she drops her purse on the first step and then turns to take a seat on the porch swing, settling against the back and looking out at the quiet desert before her. She smooths out the soft fabric of the yellow dress she wore and then reaches to adjust the light brown fringe that exposed her shoulders and hung just low enough for a tasteful amount of cleavage. Her normally straight hair held soft curls that framed her face, the longer side lightly bouncing over her shoulder as the breeze blew through the porch. The belt that hugs her slim waist is the same light brown as the fringe, the buckle in the shape of a flower and adorned with turquoise stones. She’d chosen some strappy sandals instead of heels; being that she was still in the process of recovering, she hadn’t wanted to push herself too much. Plus, it was such a nice day for a light and flowy garment. Hell, it was the first time she’d worn a dress in a long while.

Leaning her head back, she closes her eyes, content to enjoy the wind on her face and the calm silence that only someone who lives out in the middle of absolute nowhere could grow accustomed to. ]

Comments

Deadlock Gorge, AZ - 3:24AM :: A second chance :: 4 months after the shit with Vishkar

[deadlock_diva]

[ So this was it. She’d finally hurt Satya beyond repair and in the most cruel way. Her own words had been ruthless even to her own ears. But why? Why now? Things hadn’t been that bad, had they? Why'd she let her anger build up so such an explosive level? Why would she say those things to the woman she actually loved? No answers were being had here. Nothing but pain and regret.

A loud clap of thunder causes Ashe’s eyes snap open and she inhales sharply, almost choking shortly thereafter. She sits up straight from where her head had been resting against the passenger seat window of the van B.O.B. is currently driving. The Omnic spares her a quick glance, tilting his head as though to ask “You alright?”

Ashe briefly meets those green optics before she huffs and settles back against her seat, giving a dismissive wave of her hand. B.O.B.’s not entirely convinced, but he can’t very well take his eyes off the road when it’s storming out. Ashe closes her eyes again, but then they snap open just as quickly as, yet another, realization hits her. Those text messages. That fight they'd had. She reaches to fish her phone from her pocket, taps the screen to activate it and-

Of course it’s dead. That little recollection comes back to her: It’s been dead since they'd gotten to the bar. There’s a fleeting bit of relief that crosses her expression as she sits back again, clutching her phone in her hand as B.O.B. drives onward. Funny how much she’d been dreading going back home, and now? Well… she can hardly wait. Exhausted and full of alcohol as she is, she finds that she can no longer sit still. What makes things worse is the drunken conversation going on in the back seat. How Zeke mentions how down Satya's seemed lately. How unlike herself. How unhappy; the others humming in agreement. She shifts in her seat and keeps trying to turn her phone on, despite knowing that it's dead. Dropping the boys off at the hideout felt as though it took decades with their constant chatter and then the drive out to her own home in complete silence? Centuries.

No sooner does the van come to a halt, does Ashe say a very quick see ya later to B.O.B. before all but kicking the door open and hopping out, forgetting the shut the door behind her. She almost stumbles, finding her gait to be incredibly unsteady from all the alcohol she’d consumed this evening, but she finds her balance well enough to traverse the short distance to her front steps and make it inside, hair slightly damp from the rain.

B.O.B. watches after her with a shake of his head, reaching to pull the passenger’s door closed before slowly turning the van around to head back to the hideout. Someone had to take care of the boys this evening. At least Ashe had Satya and she seemed to be in an awfully big hurry to get inside.

Dropping her things by the front door, Ashe immediately heads to the bedroom, or rather, she starts to when she catches Satya’s sleeping form on the couch. She catches herself on the wall, turning around and making a beeline for the couch. She breathes out slowly, dropping to her knees next to the other woman. It's only then that she starts noticing. Noticing how she hasn't noticed the change in her girlfriend. How rarely she really took the time to look at her anymore. Has she gotten thinner? Do her eyes normally look that dark? Why does she look… so sad? They hadn’t had a fight, had they? That’d been just a dream?

Her brow furrows as she folds her arm against the edge of the couch cushion, simply watching her sleep for a moment as she gathers up the courage to wake her and find out. Slowly, hesitantly, she raises her hand and brushes her knuckles against Satya’s cheek. ]

Hey…

[ She says in a voice that is far softer than she means for it to be. What is she doing on the couch? Why not the bed? ]

C'mon, sugar. Whatcha doin' out here?

[realitybendstomywill]

[At first, everything is wonderful. The first few weeks of living together pass by in a blur, Satya adapting almost seamlessly to her new life by Ashe’s side-- to living together, something they could only dream of, months before-- and to her country, even though the culture shock is often significant enough to leave her flabbergasted and horribly confused. She gets to know the boys a little better, too, and grows fond of B.O.B. in a way she did not expect, like he’s actually human. She slowly gets used to taking care of three cats, to not living in the city, and tries to get used to living in the desert, but the dust that always gets everywhere reminds her too much of all the dirt in the slums, and she hates that.

It’s okay, though: she can push aside her almost obsessive need for cleanliness just a tiny bit, because this means she and Ashe are finally together, without thousands of kilometers getting in the way.

But then things begin to change, and it happens so subtly-- so gradually-- that Satya can’t pinpoint the moment it all started to fall apart. The sheer joy of finally living together fading away just enough for the novelty of it to wear off. The dawning realization that she will never be an architech again, creeping in and occupying her thoughts while Ashe is away for work. Her girlfriend becoming busier, so much so that there are days Satya is already fast asleep by the time Ashe comes back home. Satya wanting to speak about what happened, wanting to be comforted, only to have Ashe miss all of the (very obvious) hints. How their sex life is the only thing that remains normal, until things are so weirdly strained that they are barely intimate anymore. The growing feeling of being stuck-- of being caged-- in a house in the middle of nowhere, when she used to live in a world renowned city with everything she could ever dream of located within walking distance. The growing distance between them, the lack of physical affection, the isolation-- made so much worse by how frequently Ashe is away for work, all of a sudden. The hours that stretch into days of being alone-- of being lonely-- in a house that is not her own, in a strange culture, in a strange country. And the excruciatingly painful, ever-present awareness that she will never be able to go back to her previous life, that she will never again shape order out of chaos, or make the world a better place.

She misses creation, misses turning dust and nothingness into state of the art buildings and infrastructures. She misses the wide space and view from her apartment. She misses how wonderful it was to have Ashe visit, and how proud it made her feel to take her girlfriend to see places she had built. She misses home, and it’s only then, when she finds herself thinking back to her life in Utopaea, that she realizes something horrible, something that shakes her to the core and makes her doubt her own feelings and thoughts-- something that has been building up for the past few months, the more Ashe seems to push her away: this doesn’t feel like home anymore.

For the first time since she was a child, Satya cries herself to sleep that night, and wakes up feeling horrible. This is not who she is: this pathetic, weak, flawed mess of a human being, so far from perfection it is downright laughable.

So she tries to take control of her life, focusing on the little things she can control, as opposed to everything else she has spectacularly lost control of. Satya pays even more attention to cleanliness and order, her routines becoming even stricter and inflexible, and doubles up on her physical training in hopes that it will help her mind tire as much as her body does. It doesn’t, but at least it keeps her busy enough to forget how cripplingly lonely she feels by herself, if only for a little while.

By the time Ashe goes away for work for four entire days, Satya is on the verge of a mental breakdown, barely keeping herself together as it is. She feels lost, disoriented and utterly alone, and there is only so much the cats can do to improve her mood when she just wants to run away from everything and everyone and go back to how things were, even if that means working for the people who manipulated her since childhood and who actively conspired against her relationship with Ashe. At least she would feel useful again. As the hours pass and Satya waits for Ashe to get back, she tries to get in touch with her again but her cellphone seems to either be turned off our out of signal, and that is yet another cause for concern, given how terrible the weather is tonight. So Satya decides to wait up for her instead of going to bed, making herself a fresh cup of chai as she settles down on the couch with the cats.

She dreams, too, although her nightmare is nowhere near as detailed and cruel as Ashe’s. She is trapped in a hard-light cage in the middle of the desert, alone, but the days and nights pass and no one comes looking for her, and she thinks she sees Ashe in the distance, but it could just as easily be a hallucination caused by dehydration and hunger…

And then she feels that caress, so painfully familiar that she gravitates towards it even in her sleep, her expression becoming almost pained as she leans into Ashe’s touch. Hey, she thinks she hears Ashe say, and her eyes blink slowly as she finally wakes up, only to snap open when she realizes her girlfriend is finally back.

Ashe is right: Satya is thinner. Between worrying about Ashe’s wellbeing and hyperfocusing on her own lack of purpose in life now that she is no longer one of the world’s top architechs-- now that she is no longer an architech, period-- she hasn’t had much of an appetite. And given that one of the coping mechanisms she has been using to handle her negative emotions has been doubling up on her exercises, well… it’s no wonder she has lost enough weight to be noticeable. Now that she is awake, the circles under her eyes become even more obvious than they were as she slept, making her look as exhausted as she truly feels.]

Elizabeth, [she breathes out her name like a sigh of relief, her lips curling into a tired but genuine smile. Satya starts to reach for her but then stops, her hand falling on to her lap. She remembers all too well how Ashe has been shying away from her touch whenever she gets home, lately, too tired to want any kind of physical contact. Tonight isn’t going to be any different, she guesses, especially given how she has been away for four days. Her smile falters for a split second before it goes right back to how it was.] Welcome home.

[Having woken up just now, her mind is drowsy enough for Satya not to grasp what Ashe means at first. It takes her a moment to realize the other woman is asking her why she is sleeping on the couch, and Satya has to bite back the immediate response, painful and raw: I could not stand another night alone. That bed is too big without you by my side.]

I was waiting for you to return. Your phone has been unavailable for hours and the weather is simply dreadful, so it seemed like the most logical course of action. [It’s the truth: not the whole truth, but her words are truthful nonetheless. Satya gives a little one shouldered shrug, as if dismissing her own words and actions as irrelevant, and decides to change the subject. Even though Ashe has stopped talking about work, even though she barely says anything when Satya asks her about it, the architech forces herself to act as normally as she can.] How was work? I do hope the boys behaved adequately.

[It is only then that Satya realizes how long it has been since Ashe sat down by her feet like that, and she wants to reach down and caress her cheek, to run her fingers through her hair like she always does-- no, not like she always does. Like she used to do, and that thought ensures that she stays right as she is, unmoving.]

[deadlock_diva]

[ To say that the past few months had been rough would be an understatement. She’d come across an entire list; a train schedule along with the cargo they’d be carrying and where they were being delivered. All that’d been left for Ashe to do was find out the routes they would take and get ready to act from there. The fact that they’d confiscated more than half of those scores successfully meant several things: More weaponry to sell, more profit for their gang, and less time for her girlfriend who was mourning a loss and experiencing culture shock all at the same time.

In all honesty, Ashe isn’t entirely sure when things started changing either, but she knows all too well by now that her increase in work had a lot to do with it. In addition to that, the little things that didn’t seem like such a big deal may have also been key factors. The way Satya always seemed to be moving about, doing something on the rare occasions that she was home. How immaculate and almost sterilized (to Ashe) her usually very warm and cozy home now was. The frequency of which her cats (much to Festus’ chagrin) were groomed and brushed so that no dander was left on the furniture, corners and floors. How clingy and needy Satya became at night when they were snuggling in to go to sleep and when they were intimate.

And then there was the ever-present worry for Ashe’s safety. That was all well, good and understandable at first, but the amount of worrying she did quickly got under Ashe’s skin and she began leaving earlier, coming home later as to avoid the conversation altogether. She stopped talking about work and told her that she was “too tired to get into it right now.” She avoided her touches and opted to go straight to sleep. She avoided her gaze. Avoided her entirely. It’s no wonder that she’s the only one who didn’t notice these changes when B.O.B. and the others sat back to bear witness to her girlfriend slowly beginning to crack from the sheer amount of grief.

Fortunately, that very cruel dream had also been all too real. She felt everything from the anger to the loss. She felt Satya crying against her before they said goodbye. She felt her heart sink as she questioned why she couldn’t have been more present. Her job wasn’t life or death. Another score was just… another score. She was set financially and could easily live very comfortably for the rest of her life if she wanted to. So what was stopping her from staying home for a while? What was stopping her from helping her girlfriend to heal from the devastating madness life threw her?

What was in the way?

Ashe swallows hard as she looks up at Satya, her brow furrowing as her gaze flickers from Satya’s face, to her neck, her shoulders, chest to the notably smaller curve of her waist and hips. There’s something incredibly unnerving about how much thinner she’s gotten, how almost emaciated she looks when coupled with the sheer exhaustion. She looks as though she’s been suffering. She returns her attention to Satya’s eyes and how her smile doesn’t quite reach them; how the usual warmth is absent for just how lost she looks.

Nevermind the way that Satya hesitates and then lowers her hand as though she isn't allowed to touch her. As though she’s been forbidden to. There’s a wall between them that feels almost tangible; a wall that could be easily knocked down if Ashe would just let it happen.

A long few seconds pass before Ashe even acknowledges that she heard her girlfriend speak; she didn’t. She doesn’t even know what she said to her. She heard her name and that’s it. Slowly, she lifts her hands to cup Satya’s cheeks, thumbs gently caressing her skin. She sits up straighter on her knees for better reach and pulls her in, kissing her desperately. She doesn’t even consider how much her breath tastes and smells like alcohol; that hardly seems to matter right now. For a moment, she lingers there, her hands sliding down Satya’s face, to her neck and then finally her shoulders as she pulls back. ]

You’re… What-? Oh… Satya-

[ She breathes, unable to even form the words to convey just how sorry she is. A member of her family, one of the closest ones, is suffering and she’s done nothing to fix it. Instead of speaking, she winds her arms up under Satya’s shoulders, lifting her just so she can sit next to her and gather her into her arms. ]

[realitybendstomywill]

[Satya watches as the other woman looks from her face to the rest of her body, her smile fading slightly in her confusion. That is the most attention Ashe has paid to her in days, if not weeks, and she feels like a specimen under a microscope lens, like her very soul has been laid bare for Ashe to dissect; she feels exposed, in a way she has never felt under the other woman’s gaze. She is used to the warmth of Ashe’s eyes on her, to the flare of heat brought on by her girlfriend looking at her just so, but not this; she feels as if Ashe is peeling away her crumbling façade to see the chaos underneath. It’s unnerving and unsightly and she wishes she was strong enough to keep her mask in place like she used to be able to do.

Unaware of the thoughts running through Ashe’s mind, Satya waits for her to reply, until it dawns on her that the other woman probably didn’t even pay attention to what she said, which isn’t new-- it has happened more times than she’d like, lately-- but it still feels like a punch to the gut. Satya feels like she’s on the verge of tears, and that isn’t new, either, but it’s the first time it happens in front of Ashe when she has been so careful to keep her pain hidden from view--

And then Ashe cradles her cheeks, her touch gentle, before sitting up straighter and tugging her in for a desperate kiss, almost bruising in its intensity. Satya’s eyes widen and her body goes slack for a moment before she finally reacts, a pained little sound forming in her throat as she kisses Ashe in return with that same desperation, her hands all but clawing at Ashe’s shoulders as she tries to bring her closer. It’s only then that she realizes her girlfriend is drunk, and that thought is as painful as everything going on at the moment, because of course Ashe would only reach for her under the effect of an intoxicating substance when she has done her best to keep her distance while sober… Satya feels her throat closing up with unshed tears, which come dangerously close to falling when the other woman pulls back.]

What…? [She tries to make sense of Ashe’s words, which are probably little more than drunken gibberish, but then she’s moving on to the couch and pulling her closer and Satya lets out a quiet oh in surprise, not expecting that to happen, either. Although she doesn’t understand what is going on, her reaction is automatic: she wraps her arms around Ashe in return, clinging to her as if her life depended on it.]

I do not understand. [After a moment has passed, she dares to speak again, but her voice is quiet and muffled by their close proximity.] Did something happen? Is everyone alright?

[Surely something must have happened, like someone getting injured or almost dying, making Ashe want to feel alive after such a terrible event. Or perhaps it is only the alcohol speaking, because Ashe hasn’t been this close to her in weeks. Whatever the real reason is and however temporary this closeness may be, Satya is going to seize the moment for all that it’s worth, even if it means she’ll be disappointed and heartbroken when Ashe goes back to being sober and her current mood wears off: she buries her face against Ashe’s shoulder, her fingers fisting on the clothes at her girlfriend’s lower back as she clings to her in obvious desperation.]

[deadlock_diva]

[ Even as much alcohol as Ashe consumed, she was sober enough to see what was going on here. That dream alone had pulled her whatever drunken stupor she had been in. The most she felt was the fuzziness; the fog that clouded her mind just enough to make her thought process just a little more difficult to weave through for just how slowly it moved.

That sad little sound that Satya makes, the way she claws at her shoulders and then grasps at the fabric on her back when she settles in as close as she can… That’s so very telling. So very telling that she’s been neglected by the one person who should have been taking care of her and sheltering her through this proverbial storm. ]

No. [ She replies in a whisper, once she feels that she can form coherent sentences again. ] You’re not. And I'm a damn fool for not realizin' sooner.

[ Turning her head, she presses her lips to Satya’s forehead. ]

I'm just a little too drunk to have a meaningful conversation. [ Her words are a touch slurred, though she's trying with all her might to speak clearly. She sighs, gently taking Satya by the shoulders so that she can push her back enough to look her in the eyes. ] Come to the kitchen with me? I’ll make us some coffee and then we’ll talk.

[ She’d only just settled on the couch with her, but they need to talk now. Tonight. Or… this morning, whatever. The point being that this conversation isn't going to wait any longer. She can fix her current issue; sobering up isn't that difficult. A few cups of coffee and maybe an early breakfast ought to do the trick. ]

Whatcha say, sugar?

[realitybendstomywill]

[Satya doesn’t understand Ashe’s words at first, thinking she must be referring to one of the boys being injured during their latest job. But then she makes her meaning clearer and admits she is only opening her eyes to the reality now, and Satya lets out an oh, so quiet and small that it almost makes her sound like a child; which is only fitting, given how she feels like a child who has found her way home after being lost for weeks all by herself.

She closes her eyes when Ashe kisses her forehead, and it’s only then that Satya realizes she is almost crying, her eyelashes wet with tears that haven’t fallen yet. When her girlfriend guides her back just enough to look at her, Satya doesn’t meet her eyes right away, feeling embarrassed that she is already this close to crying, but she sits up straighter and forces herself to look Ashe in the eye, too.]

That seems like an acceptable course of action, but… [Her cybernetic arm remains wrapped around Ashe’s waist as she brings her hand up to tuck that stubborn strand of hair behind Ashe’s earlobe, her hand gently resting against her cheek afterwards.] I do not think it is wise to have such an important conversation when we are both exhausted and one of us is under the influence of copious amounts of alcohol, even after adequate caffeine consumption.

[She isn’t judging Ashe for being drunk; she is too emotionally exhausted to judge anyone, at the moment. She is pointing out the obvious, however: that they cannot talk about such delicate matters when Satya stayed up late to wait for her girlfriend while on the verge of a mental breakdown and Ashe has only just returned from a four day job in a different state, completely drunk.]

We should allow our body and mind to rest before talking about… everything we need to talk about. [She rubs her thumb gently along Ashe’s cheek, clinging to her logic and rationality even when she feels like her mind and heart have been rubbed raw.] It will be a little less difficult after a good night’s sleep, don’t you think?