I kissed a girl and I liked it.

[deadlock_diva]

(( PSL for realitybendstomywill ))


[ Ashe steps out onto the front porch of her small county house, taking in a deep breath of the warm, desert air. It feels so good to be free from the shackles of her illness. After two and a half weeks of pain, misery and recuperating, she wanted to go out and do something that wasn’t lying in bed or being limited to the rooms in her house. Symmetra was leaving within the next day or two and she also felt the need to express her gratitude.

Because… yanno. Ashe wasn’t a pleasant person when she was sick and she knew that all too well. Not that they hadn’t reached an understanding and gotten through that initial unpleasantness, but still.

The day before, she’d suggested that they go into town in the evening for a girl’s night out. Ashe never really had a lot of girl friends in the past and had silently always wondered what it’d be like. She assumed it was a lot different than the loud and rowdy times she had with her boys; which was fine and dandy enough, but sometimes? Getting dressed up just for the sake of it (and maybe for the sake of turning a few heads) sounded like a much better time to her. A different thrill from the bar fights, gambling and alcohol induced shenanigans.

Waiting for the other woman to finish getting ready, she drops her purse on the first step and then turns to take a seat on the porch swing, settling against the back and looking out at the quiet desert before her. She smooths out the soft fabric of the yellow dress she wore and then reaches to adjust the light brown fringe that exposed her shoulders and hung just low enough for a tasteful amount of cleavage. Her normally straight hair held soft curls that framed her face, the longer side lightly bouncing over her shoulder as the breeze blew through the porch. The belt that hugs her slim waist is the same light brown as the fringe, the buckle in the shape of a flower and adorned with turquoise stones. She’d chosen some strappy sandals instead of heels; being that she was still in the process of recovering, she hadn’t wanted to push herself too much. Plus, it was such a nice day for a light and flowy garment. Hell, it was the first time she’d worn a dress in a long while.

Leaning her head back, she closes her eyes, content to enjoy the wind on her face and the calm silence that only someone who lives out in the middle of absolute nowhere could grow accustomed to. ]

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[deadlock_diva]

[ To say that the past few months had been rough would be an understatement. She’d come across an entire list; a train schedule along with the cargo they’d be carrying and where they were being delivered. All that’d been left for Ashe to do was find out the routes they would take and get ready to act from there. The fact that they’d confiscated more than half of those scores successfully meant several things: More weaponry to sell, more profit for their gang, and less time for her girlfriend who was mourning a loss and experiencing culture shock all at the same time.

In all honesty, Ashe isn’t entirely sure when things started changing either, but she knows all too well by now that her increase in work had a lot to do with it. In addition to that, the little things that didn’t seem like such a big deal may have also been key factors. The way Satya always seemed to be moving about, doing something on the rare occasions that she was home. How immaculate and almost sterilized (to Ashe) her usually very warm and cozy home now was. The frequency of which her cats (much to Festus’ chagrin) were groomed and brushed so that no dander was left on the furniture, corners and floors. How clingy and needy Satya became at night when they were snuggling in to go to sleep and when they were intimate.

And then there was the ever-present worry for Ashe’s safety. That was all well, good and understandable at first, but the amount of worrying she did quickly got under Ashe’s skin and she began leaving earlier, coming home later as to avoid the conversation altogether. She stopped talking about work and told her that she was “too tired to get into it right now.” She avoided her touches and opted to go straight to sleep. She avoided her gaze. Avoided her entirely. It’s no wonder that she’s the only one who didn’t notice these changes when B.O.B. and the others sat back to bear witness to her girlfriend slowly beginning to crack from the sheer amount of grief.

Fortunately, that very cruel dream had also been all too real. She felt everything from the anger to the loss. She felt Satya crying against her before they said goodbye. She felt her heart sink as she questioned why she couldn’t have been more present. Her job wasn’t life or death. Another score was just… another score. She was set financially and could easily live very comfortably for the rest of her life if she wanted to. So what was stopping her from staying home for a while? What was stopping her from helping her girlfriend to heal from the devastating madness life threw her?

What was in the way?

Ashe swallows hard as she looks up at Satya, her brow furrowing as her gaze flickers from Satya’s face, to her neck, her shoulders, chest to the notably smaller curve of her waist and hips. There’s something incredibly unnerving about how much thinner she’s gotten, how almost emaciated she looks when coupled with the sheer exhaustion. She looks as though she’s been suffering. She returns her attention to Satya’s eyes and how her smile doesn’t quite reach them; how the usual warmth is absent for just how lost she looks.

Nevermind the way that Satya hesitates and then lowers her hand as though she isn't allowed to touch her. As though she’s been forbidden to. There’s a wall between them that feels almost tangible; a wall that could be easily knocked down if Ashe would just let it happen.

A long few seconds pass before Ashe even acknowledges that she heard her girlfriend speak; she didn’t. She doesn’t even know what she said to her. She heard her name and that’s it. Slowly, she lifts her hands to cup Satya’s cheeks, thumbs gently caressing her skin. She sits up straighter on her knees for better reach and pulls her in, kissing her desperately. She doesn’t even consider how much her breath tastes and smells like alcohol; that hardly seems to matter right now. For a moment, she lingers there, her hands sliding down Satya’s face, to her neck and then finally her shoulders as she pulls back. ]

You’re… What-? Oh… Satya-

[ She breathes, unable to even form the words to convey just how sorry she is. A member of her family, one of the closest ones, is suffering and she’s done nothing to fix it. Instead of speaking, she winds her arms up under Satya’s shoulders, lifting her just so she can sit next to her and gather her into her arms. ]

[realitybendstomywill]

[Satya watches as the other woman looks from her face to the rest of her body, her smile fading slightly in her confusion. That is the most attention Ashe has paid to her in days, if not weeks, and she feels like a specimen under a microscope lens, like her very soul has been laid bare for Ashe to dissect; she feels exposed, in a way she has never felt under the other woman’s gaze. She is used to the warmth of Ashe’s eyes on her, to the flare of heat brought on by her girlfriend looking at her just so, but not this; she feels as if Ashe is peeling away her crumbling façade to see the chaos underneath. It’s unnerving and unsightly and she wishes she was strong enough to keep her mask in place like she used to be able to do.

Unaware of the thoughts running through Ashe’s mind, Satya waits for her to reply, until it dawns on her that the other woman probably didn’t even pay attention to what she said, which isn’t new-- it has happened more times than she’d like, lately-- but it still feels like a punch to the gut. Satya feels like she’s on the verge of tears, and that isn’t new, either, but it’s the first time it happens in front of Ashe when she has been so careful to keep her pain hidden from view--

And then Ashe cradles her cheeks, her touch gentle, before sitting up straighter and tugging her in for a desperate kiss, almost bruising in its intensity. Satya’s eyes widen and her body goes slack for a moment before she finally reacts, a pained little sound forming in her throat as she kisses Ashe in return with that same desperation, her hands all but clawing at Ashe’s shoulders as she tries to bring her closer. It’s only then that she realizes her girlfriend is drunk, and that thought is as painful as everything going on at the moment, because of course Ashe would only reach for her under the effect of an intoxicating substance when she has done her best to keep her distance while sober… Satya feels her throat closing up with unshed tears, which come dangerously close to falling when the other woman pulls back.]

What…? [She tries to make sense of Ashe’s words, which are probably little more than drunken gibberish, but then she’s moving on to the couch and pulling her closer and Satya lets out a quiet oh in surprise, not expecting that to happen, either. Although she doesn’t understand what is going on, her reaction is automatic: she wraps her arms around Ashe in return, clinging to her as if her life depended on it.]

I do not understand. [After a moment has passed, she dares to speak again, but her voice is quiet and muffled by their close proximity.] Did something happen? Is everyone alright?

[Surely something must have happened, like someone getting injured or almost dying, making Ashe want to feel alive after such a terrible event. Or perhaps it is only the alcohol speaking, because Ashe hasn’t been this close to her in weeks. Whatever the real reason is and however temporary this closeness may be, Satya is going to seize the moment for all that it’s worth, even if it means she’ll be disappointed and heartbroken when Ashe goes back to being sober and her current mood wears off: she buries her face against Ashe’s shoulder, her fingers fisting on the clothes at her girlfriend’s lower back as she clings to her in obvious desperation.]

[deadlock_diva]

[ Even as much alcohol as Ashe consumed, she was sober enough to see what was going on here. That dream alone had pulled her whatever drunken stupor she had been in. The most she felt was the fuzziness; the fog that clouded her mind just enough to make her thought process just a little more difficult to weave through for just how slowly it moved.

That sad little sound that Satya makes, the way she claws at her shoulders and then grasps at the fabric on her back when she settles in as close as she can… That’s so very telling. So very telling that she’s been neglected by the one person who should have been taking care of her and sheltering her through this proverbial storm. ]

No. [ She replies in a whisper, once she feels that she can form coherent sentences again. ] You’re not. And I'm a damn fool for not realizin' sooner.

[ Turning her head, she presses her lips to Satya’s forehead. ]

I'm just a little too drunk to have a meaningful conversation. [ Her words are a touch slurred, though she's trying with all her might to speak clearly. She sighs, gently taking Satya by the shoulders so that she can push her back enough to look her in the eyes. ] Come to the kitchen with me? I’ll make us some coffee and then we’ll talk.

[ She’d only just settled on the couch with her, but they need to talk now. Tonight. Or… this morning, whatever. The point being that this conversation isn't going to wait any longer. She can fix her current issue; sobering up isn't that difficult. A few cups of coffee and maybe an early breakfast ought to do the trick. ]

Whatcha say, sugar?

[realitybendstomywill]

[Satya doesn’t understand Ashe’s words at first, thinking she must be referring to one of the boys being injured during their latest job. But then she makes her meaning clearer and admits she is only opening her eyes to the reality now, and Satya lets out an oh, so quiet and small that it almost makes her sound like a child; which is only fitting, given how she feels like a child who has found her way home after being lost for weeks all by herself.

She closes her eyes when Ashe kisses her forehead, and it’s only then that Satya realizes she is almost crying, her eyelashes wet with tears that haven’t fallen yet. When her girlfriend guides her back just enough to look at her, Satya doesn’t meet her eyes right away, feeling embarrassed that she is already this close to crying, but she sits up straighter and forces herself to look Ashe in the eye, too.]

That seems like an acceptable course of action, but… [Her cybernetic arm remains wrapped around Ashe’s waist as she brings her hand up to tuck that stubborn strand of hair behind Ashe’s earlobe, her hand gently resting against her cheek afterwards.] I do not think it is wise to have such an important conversation when we are both exhausted and one of us is under the influence of copious amounts of alcohol, even after adequate caffeine consumption.

[She isn’t judging Ashe for being drunk; she is too emotionally exhausted to judge anyone, at the moment. She is pointing out the obvious, however: that they cannot talk about such delicate matters when Satya stayed up late to wait for her girlfriend while on the verge of a mental breakdown and Ashe has only just returned from a four day job in a different state, completely drunk.]

We should allow our body and mind to rest before talking about… everything we need to talk about. [She rubs her thumb gently along Ashe’s cheek, clinging to her logic and rationality even when she feels like her mind and heart have been rubbed raw.] It will be a little less difficult after a good night’s sleep, don’t you think?