I kissed a girl and I liked it.

[deadlock_diva]

(( PSL for realitybendstomywill ))


[ Ashe steps out onto the front porch of her small county house, taking in a deep breath of the warm, desert air. It feels so good to be free from the shackles of her illness. After two and a half weeks of pain, misery and recuperating, she wanted to go out and do something that wasn’t lying in bed or being limited to the rooms in her house. Symmetra was leaving within the next day or two and she also felt the need to express her gratitude.

Because… yanno. Ashe wasn’t a pleasant person when she was sick and she knew that all too well. Not that they hadn’t reached an understanding and gotten through that initial unpleasantness, but still.

The day before, she’d suggested that they go into town in the evening for a girl’s night out. Ashe never really had a lot of girl friends in the past and had silently always wondered what it’d be like. She assumed it was a lot different than the loud and rowdy times she had with her boys; which was fine and dandy enough, but sometimes? Getting dressed up just for the sake of it (and maybe for the sake of turning a few heads) sounded like a much better time to her. A different thrill from the bar fights, gambling and alcohol induced shenanigans.

Waiting for the other woman to finish getting ready, she drops her purse on the first step and then turns to take a seat on the porch swing, settling against the back and looking out at the quiet desert before her. She smooths out the soft fabric of the yellow dress she wore and then reaches to adjust the light brown fringe that exposed her shoulders and hung just low enough for a tasteful amount of cleavage. Her normally straight hair held soft curls that framed her face, the longer side lightly bouncing over her shoulder as the breeze blew through the porch. The belt that hugs her slim waist is the same light brown as the fringe, the buckle in the shape of a flower and adorned with turquoise stones. She’d chosen some strappy sandals instead of heels; being that she was still in the process of recovering, she hadn’t wanted to push herself too much. Plus, it was such a nice day for a light and flowy garment. Hell, it was the first time she’d worn a dress in a long while.

Leaning her head back, she closes her eyes, content to enjoy the wind on her face and the calm silence that only someone who lives out in the middle of absolute nowhere could grow accustomed to. ]

Comments

[deadlock_diva]

I’ve got this, Satya. Don’t worry so much. I’m the one who resolved the conflicts here in the Southwest, ain’t I? I can handle this.

[ Satya’s reasoning, her pleas; they had all been brushed to the wayside without a thought. Even when there had been an inkling of looming doubt in the back of Ashe’s mind when she’d arrived to confront the other gang leader that day. Her boys had never been as on edge as they had been on that long ride over; not once in the many years they'd spent as a family.

The triplet's usual banter had been reduced to hushed whispers. To a: “Say, Ashe… You sure ‘bout this?” Even B.O.B. had given her a few questioning glances out of the corner of his robotic eyes, meeting her gaze in the passenger’s seat as he made that drive. Bars had been suspiciously quiet, staring out the window the entire time, his rifle clutched tightly in his hands.

However, even when everything about this meeting had felt wrong, Ashe still pressed onward. Stubbornly. Persistently. As though her abilities had been questioned, even when they hadn't been.

And now? Well… Now, she lay bleeding profusely from an open wound in her chest, a tightly bandaged pressure dressing in place; even then, the blood was beginning to ooze through. B.O.B., who's face could only show so much emotion, was uncharacteristically frazzled; his movements alone spoke volumes. Even when his decisions were sound enough, he wasn't his cool self and clearly very worried about the one person he cared for most in this world.

Satya’s presence was, as always, a ray of light in the darkness of their situation. Even as she was stricken with her own panic of seeing her wife bleeding out in the back seat of the van, she’d still been able to give B.O.B. directions so that he could get them going on their way. Having someone to monitor Ashe in the backseat was also greatly appreciated. The Omnic sped off toward the hospital, glancing back in the rear-view mirror every so often.

Meanwhile, Ashe’s eyes flutter open no sooner does she feel herself being moved again. Her already fair complexion is ghostly white and she occasionally wheezes when she attempts to take a deeper breath. Her eyes go in and out of focus, but she definitely recognizes her wife as she looks up at her. For a moment, it seems as though she doesn't quite grasp what was said to her. She parts her lips, a soft breath escaping her before she finally speaks. ]

I know, sugar. But... they’re gone now. Taken care of. [ Another painful-sounding, wheezing exhale leaves her. ] … Won’t be botherin’ us anymore.

[ With a slight furrow of her brow, she raises a shaking hand, bloody fingers barely brushing Satya’s cheek when she can’t quite muster the strength to leave her hand there. ]

Wha’s wrong, beautiful? Why you lookin’ at me like that? I… I’m alright.

[realitybendstomywill]

[Ashe is even worse than she seemed when Satya first arrived to the scene, if her shallow breathing and the way her eyes go in and out of focus are anything to go by. And then she wheezes, and Satya looks at her wife in horror, panic seizing her up so strongly and suddenly that she feels almost as if she will pass out at any given moment.

No, she cannot give in to her already overwhelmed mind-- she must do everything in her power to not be trapped by her own brain. There will be plenty of time for breaking down later, when Ashe is being taken care of at the hospital, and for however long she stays there to recover.

…if she makes it there at all.

That painful, terrible, very likely scenario is what makes the tears finally start flowing: they show no signs of stopping, not even as she wants to scold Ashe for holding on to her beliefs even at a time like this. Of course Ashe would insist that she did the right thing even though she is suffering the consequences of such a terrible plan. Of course she would think the pros outweigh the cons. Of course she would stubbornly insist that everything is just fine.]

At what cost? We should have dealt with them differently, but you ignored the evidence, you ignored me, and now you are--

[dying, she is just about to say, but the words die on her lips as she sees Ashe reaching up for her, noticing all too well how difficult it is to do such a simple task. Satya holds Ashe’s hand against her cheek, not even caring about the blood stains left behind on her skin, and brushes a strand of hair away from her wife’s face, her hand trembling as she does so.]

You are not alright. You do not fall under the definition of ‘alright’ in any dictionary that has ever existed since the invention of books. [She tries to resort to her usual speech patterns in an attempt to make everything easier to handle, she really does, but it doesn’t work: she is just as close to overwhelmed as she was before. She chokes back a broken sob, her voice becoming quieter when she speaks again.] You were shot, and you are losing an alarming amount of blood in a very short time. If only you had listened, none of this would have happened.

[deadlock_diva]

[ Ashe’s eyes close for a moment, as she begins to feel winded. Her attempts to draw in some deeper breaths seem to only make her more breathless; her chest never fully expands and is eerily still on her right side. The side she’s bleeding from. She’s left all but panting, with the occasional wheeze when she tries every so often for that deeper breath in vain. It’s a vicious cycle. One that doesn’t make much sense to her the more blood and oxygen she loses and the closer her body creeps toward some hypovolemic shock. ]

Yeah… I’s there. [ She lets out a soft, humorless laugh. ] Ain’t the first time. I’ll come ‘round. I always do. It don’t hurt, honest.

[ There’s just that undeniable fact that she can’t breathe, making any and all methods of comforting her panicking wife pointless.

Her eyes flutter open halfway as she looks up at Satya again, swallowing down the metallic taste in her mouth. She turns her head, resting her cheek against her wife’s stomach, comforted by her warmth as she was beginning to feel cold. Her hands are freezing, her lips tinged blue against her blanched complexion. ]

… Hey. [ Another series of pants, her voice lowers to a breathless whisper as she gently rubs Satya’s cheek with her thumb. ] …don’t be cryin’, now. ‘S my own fault, ain’t it? [ A chill passes through her, her brow furrows again. ] Reckon you’re right… should’a listened to you.

[ A realization that comes too little, too late, unfortunately. Much like many of her reckless decisions. This decision, by far, being the worst, as it could very well be her last. ]

I messed up. [ Something she doesn’t admit often. She doesn’t even wait for Satya to respond. Even in the midst of her intermittent delirium, she knows how much she messed up this time. ] … I’m sorry.

[realitybendstomywill]

[Panic strikes her yet again at the sight of Ashe closing her eyes for a moment that lasts far longer than it has any right to, but then she opens them again and Satya feels a little less like she’s about to have a panic attack. She is so focused on looking at her wife for as long as she still can that she fails to notice how the right side of her thorax isn’t moving, or how her chest never expands the way it should.

Satya’s hand trembles as she keeps Ashe’s in place. Those words are nowhere near comforting-- hearing her wife admit she messed up and apologize only a few seconds apart is enough, by itself, to tell her how bad Ashe’s health really is-- and they are made significantly worse by the fact that Ashe is already looking unnaturally pale. She tries to speak only to find out that she can’t, tears running down her blood-stained cheeks, but Satya shakes her head ‘no’ over and over again, refusing to believe this is really happening. If only there was something she could do to help, anything…

It strikes her all of a sudden: she may not be able to directly help save Ashe’s life, but there is a possibility she may improve her chances of survival upon arriving to the hospital. Caressing Ashe’s face one more time before pulling that hand away, she reaches for her phone, her shaky hands making it very hard to pull up the contact list. But she manages to do so: she finds the exact number she wants, and when her friend picks up, asking her how she is doing, Satya wastes no time with pleasantries.]

Elizabeth was shot in the thorax. B.O.B. is driving us to the hospital and our estimated time of arrival is within five minutes. Her blood type is AB- and mine is O-, neither of us have any health issues or are taking any kind of medication, and I volunteer to donate directly to her should she need it, and-- [Her friend interrupts her and tells her to breathe, but Satya doesn’t want to waste any time trying to get herself together, not when she needs to get the message across as soon as possible. She speaks so quickly and eerily calmly that her voice sounds almost robotic-- or would sound robotic if it weren’t for how breathless she is, or how thick her voice is with unshed tears that are just about to fall. She hears the doctor give out orders, and then his voice softens as he asks her And you? Are you hurt? in Hindi, and.

Satya finally breaks.]

I am terrified. She is all I have, B., I cannot lose her, [she replies in their native language, her sobs shaking her entire frame. She brings Ashe’s hand to her mouth so she can kiss her palm, and tries to ignore both how cold it is and how it tastes like blood.] She has lost so much blood, she is wheezing, she is paler than ever and I do not know what to do. I-- [She swallows hard.] I will bleed myself dry to save her if I have to.

[Her friend tells her there is no need for such methods, but by then, Satya isn’t listening anymore: she has already settled her phone by her side and is reaching down again to caress Ashe’s cheeks and hair, her hand wandering in her urgency to commit every touch to memory. She tries to smile for Ashe’s sake, she really does, but she can’t pretend, not when her world-- their world-- is falling apart.]

I cannot lose you. Not like this, not this soon.

[Desperate and afraid, Satya decides to try something else: a last resort, something she hasn’t done since she was a child. For the first time since her mother’s illness, Satya Vaswani turns to the gods and goddesses for help.]

Don’t let her die, please don’t let her die, [she begs, looking up as if that would make a miracle happen, but it doesn't. Her voice cracks when she speaks again, and she looks down at her wife when she continues speaking.] Don’t take my love away from me...

[deadlock_diva]

[ That one-sided conversation with the doctor goes in and out of sounding distant to Ashe’s ears. She can’t pick up anything more than Satya is broken, even as much as she’s trying not to sound like she is. The Hindi goes completely over her head and then Satya is speaking to her directly. Asking - no begging - someone not to take her away. It takes her a couple of seconds longer to process the meaning behind it.

When she does, it hits her. She’s dying. There’s no fighting it. There’s a resigned feeling that washes over her rapidly failing body and her mind doesn’t even have to play catch up.

She messed up and these are the consequences. ]

Satya...

[ Her wife’s name comes out in a breathless wheeze. Her gaze is duller, unfocused even as she stares straight up at the other woman. The broken sound of her voice painfully twists something deep within her. She wants to sit up, take her into her arms and hold her tight until all of her tears are spent. She wants to tell her that everything will be alright. But she knows. Satya knows. They’ve been on the same mental wavelength since they started dating. And after spending the past few years with very few days away from her, she began to feel that even their hearts beat in perfect tandem. A thought she’d kept to herself because really? It sounded silly, even though she liked it. ]

I love you... [ She does manage a weak smile. ] Been fun, hasn’t it? I wish... [ She takes a moment in ill attempt to catch her breath. A thin streak of blood treks down one corner of her mouth. She swallows hard again when that metallic taste gets to be overwhelming. It feels as though she has a mouth full of pennies. ] Wish it could’a lasted longer...

[ A breath catches in her throat, her face turning grey. She squeezes Satya’s hand, her grip terrifyingly weak as she tries again to catch her breath before finally coughing. However, even her cough is too weak to shake her. She takes in a rasping breath, her eyes closing with the furrow of her brow. She doesn’t open them this time. A shudder passes through her. She’s so cold and she can’t even feel the warmth of the hand she’s holding, or even from the warm body she’s lying against. ]

I’m sorry... [ Another soft apology. A couple of tears slide down her cheeks. ] ... I-I know that ain’t enough. I know that, but- [ Her voice trails off, her grip on Satya’s hand loosening and then falling slack. ] ... ‘s all i got.

Wish I could start over. Maybe... maybe then I wouldn’t have to leave you.

[ Another few tears follow the previous one’s paths, her rasping breaths beginning to slow. ]

I’m so sorry...

[realitybendstomywill]

[Although her vision is blurry from all the tears, she can still see well enough to realize how dull Ashe’s gaze has gotten, and that-- along with the breathless way she says her name-- makes her hurt as much as if someone had shot her in the heart. But it’s not until her wife says I love you and she sees that drop of blood leaving the corner of her mouth that Satya truly falls apart: she sobs like a child, shaking her head and whimpering no over and over again, her trembling hand wiping away that streak of blood.

She knows she shouldn’t move her. She knows that even the slightest change in position could endanger her chances of survival, but Ashe is bleeding out in the back seat of a van and her hand goes slack and she isn’t opening her eyes and she is dying, and Satya carefully lifts her by the shoulders, just enough so she can hold her close. She lets Ashe’s hand fall gently on to her stomach so she can touch her face as she holds her, leaning down to press her mouth against Ashe’s in a desperate kiss, a pained sound forming in her throat as she tastes blood.]

You cannot die. Elizabeth Vaswani-Ashe, don’t you dare leave me. I won’t let you… [She speaks against Ashe’s lips, not wanting to pull away and trying desperately to ignore what it means to barely feel her breath ghosting against her mouth. Those words only sink the knife in deeper, and Satya leans her forehead against Ashe’s, not even caring that her own tears fall from her eyes on to her wife’s face. Her voice cracks.] How will I take care of our family without you by my side?

[Ashe doesn’t speak again but at least she’s still breathing, and Satya kisses her forehead, her cheeks, her lips-- every inch of her skin within reach, as if the sheer strength of her love could keep her alive. But it can’t, and it doesn’t, and Satya feels a part of her die, too.]

I love you. I will pray to every God and Goddess for us to meet again. [Her voice is quiet but determined, tinged with the desperation of someone who would give her own life to save the person she loves the most in the entire world.] I will find you in every life. I will love you in every life. Always. [She places another desperate kiss to Ashe’s lips, wishing it would make her wake up, like what happens in fairy tales.] Stay with me, my love, please…

[Even though she is actively falling apart, Satya retains enough awareness of their surroundings to realize they should be arriving to the hospital right about now, but for some reason, B.O.B. isn’t slowing down the van, or even merging onto a city road in the first place; in fact, she realizes when she lifts her head just enough to look at their surroundings, the road they are on looks very much like the road they were traveling through several minute ago. That can’t be right.]

No-- B.O.B., there must be something wrong. We should have gotten there by now. [She looks down at her wife, her eyes widening in sheer terror when she realizes she can barely hear her breathing anymore.] Elizabeth? No, please no…

[She isn’t breathing, and Satya clings to the thought that maybe her breathing is just too shallow for her to notice, but when she places her shaking fingers against the side of her neck to feel her pulse, the soft thump thump she has listened to so many times is no longer there.

She’s gone.

For a moment, Satya can’t move, she can’t speak, she can’t even breathe: she remains frozen as she is, staring in shock at her wife’s lifeless body. And then she pulls her up, cradling her close against her chest with a sound so loud it is almost a pained scream, rocking back and forth as she clings desperately to Ashe’s body, her face pressed close against hers as she wishes she could have followed her into the afterlife.


---


Satya jerks awake so violently that she almost falls down from her office chair, breathing hard and fast like she’s having a panic attack, her cheeks wet with tears. Even Zorro startles, meowing indignantly at her for disturbing his sleep until he seems to realize the state she is in and promptly jumps onto her lap, kneading at her legs and stomach as he purrs. Satya clings to him, crying for what seems to be the thousandth time today, until the rhythmic pawing and the comforting sound of his purring finally makes her calm down, and she breathes a sigh of relief.

It was only a dream. Ashe is alive. Everything is going to be alright. Things have been terrible for the past few days-- her mind has been slowly but surely turning against her, and Ashe keeps on dismissing her own well-being, and Satya feels like she’s cracking every single time she sees Ashe bleed out in her dreams-- but they will be alright. They have to be.

When she feels like she can finally stand up, Satya holds Zorro close against her chest and makes her way to the kitchen, needing to drink or eat something that will make her feel better, like a hot cup of very strong chai. She is staring sightlessly at their pantry when she thinks she hears Ashe call out for her, the sound so quiet she doubts she even heard it at all. Satya walks to their bedroom, just in case Ashe requires her assistance with something and, sure enough, her name falls from Ashe’s lips once again, sounding a lot like it did when she drank herself to sleep.

Oh. So she’s been drinking again. Satya leans heavily against the wall and closes her eyes, feeling a lot like someone has punched her in the stomach. Please, not again.

She presses her hands against her face. She is exhausted, her emotions rubbed raw from Ashe almost dying and then acting as if nothing happened, dealing with her near death experience the way only she can: with a nearly pathological stubbornness that she is fine, thank you very much, so much so that she could even ingest the occasional bottle of whiskey. Satya blinks back tears, her hands moving to her ears when Ashe calls out for her again. She wants to run to her wife’s side, to hold her and pull her close, but those broken words are not an apology: they are nothing but the consequence of mixing alcohol, medication and exhaustion all together at the same time.

It’s only when Ashe says no that Satya realizes her terrible mistake: she didn’t call out for her because she is drunk out of her mind, she called out for her because she is scared. Trying to push aside the way her own guilt is crushing her, Satya quickly walks into their bedroom, a pained little sound leaving her lips when she realizes Ashe is clinging to a pillow in her sleep, sobbing like a terrified child. She must be dreaming about almost dying, Satya thinks to herself, unaware of the excruciatingly painful images Ashe is seeing in her mind. Slowly, she sits down at the edge of the bed and reaches for her hand, holding it tight, her right hand moving up to gently shake her shoulder.]

[deadlock_diva]

[ Ashe only seems to curl in tighter around that pillow as she feels the shift on the bed. The touch against her hand elicits a sharp gasp and she pulls it out of Satya’s grasp, leaving behind the handkerchief that she had given her the first time they’d met. An old habit that had resurfaced since they’d been fighting; Ashe had used to hold onto it as she slept when they lived an ocean apart.

Another broken sob escapes her as she murmurs Satya’s name one more time. She sniffles and whimpers as she buries her face into the pillow. That little bit of shaking against her shoulder causes her muscles to go rigid. Odd, when normally she would gravitate toward that touch, especially in her sleep.

Another couple of seconds pass, she jerks awake, bolting upright. Of course, even two weeks following her hospital discharge, that movement was a little too quick for her still recovering body. The jolt of pain is jarring and she grimaces with a soft hiss as she tries to force herself back into consciousness, unsure of what’s real and what isn’t. Her breaths leave her in soft pants as she fervently wipes the tears from her face in vain; new ones start their trek down her cheeks. She’s just about to bury her face in her hands when she catches someone out of the corner of her eye.

She turns her head, her eyes red, cheeks flushed from crying, hair matted and tangled from sleep. She’s a mess. Her gaze lands on her wife. Satya. She’s alive. Looking… worse for wear and exhausted, but alive. The only person she wants to see right now. Instinctively, she reaches for her, about to touch her face, but then stops short. Another soft whimper escapes her as she bites her lower lip, her fingers curling in to form a fist. The last time she reached out for her, she was brushed off with a no and a shake of her head.

That hurt and she’s not ready to experience that again. Not now.

However, at the same time, she’d rather take her chances. Sniffling softly, she wordlessly gives Satya the most pleading look. As though she’s asking for permission just to touch her. For however brief it might be. ]

[realitybendstomywill]

[Satya blinks in surprise when Ashe pulls her hand away, feeling an odd mixture of pain and rejection and loneliness, and oh. Is this how Ashe has felt like every single time she has rejected her touch? Satya almost misses the handkerchief that falls from her wife’s hand as she pulls her hand back, and somehow, that makes everything hurt even more; she didn’t realize she had held on to it for so long, and she certainly never thought she would cling to it in her sleep like a lifeline.

Satya brings her free hand up to her mouth to muffle a sob, but the tears don’t fall just yet, not even when she feels Ashe tense up under her touch. She is about to shake her shoulder again when Ashe finally wakes up, sitting up in bed so abruptly that it makes Satya startle, her eyes widening in surprise. Predictably, the sudden movement makes her hurt, and Satya opens her mouth to tell her to be careful, but the words die on her lips as she watches her wife wipe the tears away, even as new ones keep on falling. And then Ashe turns her head to look at her, and.

Seeing her like this hurts, even more than it did when she woke up from her nightmare. Satya blinks rapidly, the tears finally falling down her cheeks, but she doesn’t reach out for Ashe, not even when she seems like she’s about to touch her face; she just looks at her, wide eyed and frozen in place, even when she realizes her wife is sniffling, looking at her like she’s pleading to the gods so that Satya will let her in. Just like she pleaded to every God and Goddess she knows not to let Ashe die.

(She feels her blood soaking through her clothes, sees Ashe going paler with each passing second, feels the panic rise up again when they arrive to the hospital and she thinks they are too late. She sees Ashe being rushed away from her.

And then she sees her laughing it off, like nothing really happened.)

Satya’s eyes go out of focus as she dissociates, and then she blinks, focusing on the other woman once again.]

Let me-- I will find your painkillers for you, [she breathes out, turning her attention to the several bottles of medication on the bedside table. She can barely see the labels as it is, her vision blurry from the unshed tears in her eyes, and when she picks a bottle up, her hands are shaking badly enough to make the pills rattle inside it. She should have taken her own medication as soon as she woke up, but she didn’t, and now she’s paying the price. How unsightly.]

[deadlock_diva]

[ Satya’s crying too, which only increases the rate in which Ashe’s tears fall. She swallows hard, biting back another sob, but a soft distressed noise still escapes her. All she wants is to pull her close and hold her. She wants to be able to fall asleep with her at her side again. The bed feels empty and cold without her and sleeping well is nearly impossible. Hence, she turned to alcohol in hopes that it would soothe her and give her some dreamless nights.

It didn’t. In fact, it only made things worse and pushed Satya away even further.

With that intense need for her wife, she waits, hoping with everything in her that Satya would allow her to touch her or even just take her hand. That isn’t much, but at this point, she would take it. Satya does what Ashe expects and shuts her out again. Thankfully, not with a no or a shake of her head. No. Instead, she reaches for her pain pills and hands them to her as if they would solve her problems. As though the pain was merely physical. It’s at that when Ashe’s expression falls, looking as though her heart just shattered into a million pieces.

Worst part is? She brought this upon herself and she’s not sure how to fix it.

Ashe shakes her head. ]

No. [ And then she ardently shakes her head again no sooner does she take the pill bottle from Satya and throw it across the room. The pills clatter on the inside of the bottle as they hit the floor and roll to a stop against the wall. ] Please… I need you. I can’t stand it anymore, Satya. [ She grabs ahold of her hand desperately as she looks up at her. ]

We have to stop this! I’m beggin’ you. I… [ She bites back another sob. ] I’m sorry. I… was wrong. I messed up. I know that. I get it. Brushin’ it all to the wayside ain’t workin’ for me, but it’s the only way I know how to deal with it.

[ She inhales sharply, finally unable to hold anything else back. She bows her head, almost doubling over as she starts crying all over again; completely falling apart. It's so unlike any of the very few times she's ever cried in front of Satya before. She's never cried in front of anyone like this.

Her voice lowers to a murmur as she struggles to breathe. ]

I’m so sorry… I miss you. I miss you so much. I… I can’t. Satya… please.

[realitybendstomywill]

[In her current state, her mind overwhelmed by everything going on at the moment, the thought processes behind her reaching for Ashe’s medication are actually quite simple: her wife sat up all of a sudden and the movement made her hurt, so of course she should take her meds. It’s simple logic, really, cause and effect at its best, and she genuinely thinks she’s done something right until Ashe looks like she’s falling apart, before shaking her head no and throwing the pill bottle across the room.

Oh. Of course she did that wrong; she has been doing everything wrong since they fought after Ashe came back home. She can’t even think right anymore.

Satya doesn’t pull her hand back or even shy away from her touch when Ashe reaches out to hold her hand, her grip as desperate as her pleading: she just looks down at their joined hands, blinking slowly as if she can’t quite focus, her fingers slack against Ashe’s. She looks numb, like she doesn’t quite know how to feel anymore, and her mind has been rubbed so raw that Satya is unable to figure out the obvious: that the constant, overwhelming emotional pain and distress she has been in for the past few days is finally catching up to her, triggered by Ashe apologizing and begging her, and she isn’t sure if she can handle it at the moment. In fact, she doesn’t think she can handle anything at all.

Her tear glands are working just fine, though, and the tears fall copiously down her cheeks, even though Satya doesn’t seem to notice them.

Ashe keeps talking but Satya remains expressionless, feeling an odd kind of detachment, almost as if she isn’t quite there. Her wife apologizes and admits that she doesn’t know how to handle this, and Satya thinks she ought to be relieved, that she should say something-- anything-- in reply, but she can’t find it in herself to say anything, or to feel anything, for that matter.

It’s only when Ashe struggles to breathe after crying so hard, sounding almost like she’s wheezing, that Satya finally snaps, a broken little sound escaping her, like it physically hurts her to have her mind falling apart.]

No-- please, not again-- [She breathes out in a rush, her voice as desperate as her touch when she lets go of Ashe’s hand so she can reach out to touch her cheeks, her torso, wanting-- no, needing-- to make sure she isn’t bleeding out again. She thinks she sees the blood stains at first, dark and terrifying on the fabric of Ashe’s sleepwear, but then she blinks and realizes it’s only shadows and nothing else. Suddenly, realization hits her like a bullet to the chest: she is so far gone that, for one long, terrifying moment, she actually believed Ashe had been shot again. Although the tears never stopped falling, Satya finds herself sobbing again, her hands still shaking as she reaches for her wife, pulling her closer against her chest.]

It hurts. It hurts so much, [she breathes out, holding on to Ashe with weak arms. She slumps against her, pressing her face against her shoulder as her entire frame shakes from how hard she is sobbing.] You almost died, and then you acted as if it didn't matter, and...

[She means to keep on talking, but her voice cracks and she quickly finds out that she can't, so she does the next best thing: she cries helplessly against Ashe's shoulder, rocking her body gently back and forth like she did in her dream, unaware that she is doing it at all.]

[deadlock_diva]

[ Crying this hard brings on a whole new pain; a burning in her chest to the point that she can’t differentiate what is physical and what’s emotional. When Satya doesn’t say anything; when she just stands there, Ashe almost releases her hand, the need to wrap her arms around herself overwhelming her. A futile coping mechanism to attempt to hold herself together as she fell apart.

However, after those shallow breaths she took, Satya finally speaks. Ashe lifts her head, confused and bewildered as her wife reaches for her. She whimpers as she touches her cheeks, her chest, almost seeming frantic in her search for… whatever it is she’s searching for on her person. Trying to find her voice and ask her, she can’t even get the word what out before Satya is pulling her into her arms.

Ashe’s response is immediate. She wraps her arms tightly around Satya; which is saying something, but not a lot for just how much strength the gunslinger lost after being debilitated for the better part of the month. Still, her fingers curl into the fabric at Satya’s back, clinging eagerly, desperately as though she might vanish if she didn’t hold on. Trying to catch her breath amidst her own sobs, she can still hear her wife sobbing against her; and feel the way her body shakes against her. The heart wrenching sound of her voice cracking and then trailing off into more sobs.

More than anything right now, she wants to comfort her, but she can’t stop crying herself. And she can’t breathe well enough to say something. Instead, she just let’s go and allows herself to cry as well, content enough to finally be in Satya’s arms again. The back and forth motion is strangely comforting and she makes no effort to stop it.

A few more minutes pass before Ashe finally quiets down, partially out of the effort and need to say something, partially out of exhaustion and the need to breathe. Gently nuzzling her face into Satya’s neck, she’s still breathless as she speaks, but at least she can talk. ]

I just wanted to move past it, but... I only ended up hurtin' you in the process.

[ She sniffles again, reluctantly pulling back from Satya to wipe the tears from her cheeks, exhaling shakily. Okay. She’s fine, she’s got this. She looks at Satya, taking her face into her hands and gently brushing the tears from her face with her thumbs. Brow furrowing, she blinks back a few more tears as she leans forward to press a kiss to the curve her nose. ]

I’m sorry…

[ Her voice is a whisper and then she pauses a beat to fight back another wave of emotion. It's surreal to feel the warmth of her, to see the color in her cheeks and to hear sound of her breathing after such a jarring, realistic nightmare. She keeps her lips pressed in the space between her eyebrows, her eyes closing. ]

I’m so sorry. Please... please forgive me.